still having second thoughts. will it always be like this ? am I better off moving on? probably!!!

not going to write entirely about him

right second bit for the day - he is making me really paranoid - extremely so. why has he his phone off at 6.15 pm? mmmm

Lot can happen in a short period of time !!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PD498aDNZ1s

well talked to my mum and exaplained bad feeling - something not right. so i talked to him about that and he tried to undrrstand. think he finds it very frustrating - he cant understand what it is about so he trys to make me feel more secure. it was amazing lying on the bed just cuddling and kissing, listening to music. he drove all that way for that.

talked about where it is going as well. Think he is quite insecure about me - not unsurprisely seeing what I have done to him.

oo another of my favourite links below
http://faculty-staff.ou.edu/E/Bradley.D.Elder-1/dys.html

Mm not sure where to start. Feel very very anxious . have whole arm rubbing thing going on . not good. Right shall I explain.

Well lets start with the good. He sent a lovely bunch of flowers and chocolates to me. Obviously had thought about it and done it . good sign I think. He brought chocolates from Switzerland. Very small bag but to be honest not expecting anything !!!!

Bad – well this is going to sound mad. He uses if a lot in conjunction to future events – think this is indicative of his commitment. I would use when . is this important? Well he refers to kids marriage and sometimes with me. I think what is worrying me is this shows some sort of uncomitment /problem on his behalf. This is exacerbated by insecurity on my part about how he feels like words not joined by actions. I think deep down that I feel I deserve some sort of compensation for his age – like fantastic something. Suppose the physical side is great but emotionally it is not good. I feel he doent understand me on some level…

anyway this is the reason i started all this

http://ideamatt.blogspot.com/2005/11/handling-worries-keep-list-schedule.html

Second instalment.

Writing this is scary cos it gives it life almost. Well he got back from his holiday at 6 ish . I was pissed at him for a few things mpstly in my head – not sure what at the time. Don’t think I could be bothered with him that weekend.

I phone him and says he is going out for a drink. This after at 9 oclock text of “ just existing on the sofa cant do anything” then phone at 9.30 and he is going out or a drink with someone – he changes his story about who he rung first . he is going out with a female friend after I get to the bottom of it. I went mad. Why? Because he had barely been home and it was latish . felt like he had phoned this pwerson up specially. Then to make it worse he say he saw her 4 months ago and made some story up about the cinema saying it was 4 months ago and really it was a good 7 months previously. Makes me thing it all isn’t right .

When questioned he just says he has a “bad “ memory – wel;l that isn’t right either so …. Problem is the hair – explanation didn’t fit. Etc

Think I nned to calm down and properly think about what I want.

Positive and \negative

Think it is time to finish it really or do a surprise visit !!!

Mmm me thinks next wed would be good.

mm so what is wrong with F.?

1) that feeling
always there pretty much - like i dont know all the story , that i cant trust him - the anxiety that causes , the resentment , the hatred

2) annoys me sometimes
not that important

3) extravert much more so than me
importnat will wait to see

4) Age
not an issue